Valentine Suicidal

Not a homage to my blogging compadre (though he might link to me now...), but the title is appropriate. My least favourite day in the calendar is imminent - Valentine's Day.

I'm currently trying to sort out a night out for a few friends for February 15th, a Friday. The single chaps have said the date is fine and yep, they'll be there. However, those with wives or girlfriends have referred to Valentine's Day proving something of a stickler, and they're getting back to me on it.

Why? Valentine's Day is on the 14th, a Thursday. So the solution seems simple - take the beloved out on the Thursday night, then turn up for a few masculine ales on the Friday. Everyone's happy, nobody is ignored.

But no. Apparently, Valentine's Day seems to have extended to a Valentine's Weekend, according to these two chaps. They'll happily cough up for a card and a gift on the Thursday, but as it's a school night, the obligatory romantic meal seemingly has to be held over until the Friday or Saturday. And, as the female half of their relationships can't say whether they'd prefer a Friday or Saturday nosh-up until the actual week of the occasion, they cannot commit to our little dignified gentleman's night. They ultimately may not come at all, even if their dinner date becomes a Saturday event.

This irritates me.

I'm quite romantic, I promise I am. The Natural Blonde and I will exchange cards and we may well visit a nice restaurant. But we'll do it on the allocated day - the 14th. By the 15th, life will return to normal. Without wishing to appear grouchy, as I'm not like that at all, there is no need for us to prolong the day. The sentiment and the gesture belongs on the 14th and we'll make the most of it.

But my biggest issue with Valentine's Day is the way it has been hijacked lately as Wives and Girlfriends Day. You look at the adverts on your TV screen or in your newspapers, or listen to the ads on your local commercial radio station, as the "big" day draws nearer, and they all have the same motif - Valentine's Day exists purely to reinforce a) the idea that only the women in a relationship deserve spoiling; and b) all men are ignorant, thick or unthinking neanderthals who wouldn't be capable of showing affection, no matter how superficial, to their partner.

A good (or bad, if you like) example of this was done on the radio by the 118-118 athlete blokes a couple of years ago. One of these chaps had forget-me-knots in his handkerchief collection scattered round the room, and the other was asking why. The first was to remind him to find a florist, the second to make sure he traced a confectionery firm for chocolates, and the third was to remind him to book a nice restaurant. Three things for women there. Fine. Now show me the equivalent ad reminding women to do something nice to show their appreciation for their men.

It doesn't exist.

And it isn't because of the notion that all women are perfect and don't "need" to be reminded or told. That's a myth.

Jewellery firms go mad at Valentine's time. "Buy a nice bracelet or necklace for your lady!" say they. Any ad also suggesting that maybe the fellow himself has done enough to earn a smart new watch or even a set of cufflinks? Of course not.

Has there ever been an advert made which gives a woman an idea of something nice or useful they may quite like to buy for their bloke on Valentine's Day?

Any ad at all? Even for something practical or stereotypical, like a new drill from B&Q or a subscription to Sky Sports?

Don't be daft.

Beyond the Valentine's fiasco, there are still ads on TV which claim that men only watch football, fart and shout at their women. They can't cook, they forget to do the cleaning, they are rubbish at parenting and all hate their in-laws.

Meanwhile, have you seen the size of the greetings cards for Valentine's Day aimed at women? They're enormous. Men's are far more likely to be "averagely" proportioned.

If you are a gay man in a relationship, then you really don't get much of a look-in as far as the Valentine's con goes.

Valentine's Day is a tacky non-event, a spectacular rip-off which has been rendered all the more expensive and unfair by a manipulative media which has devalued the role and importance of the man in a relationship. If you are a bloke and your wife or girlfriend buys you a thoughtful gift for February 14th, then you're the lucky one. If she doesn't buy you anything, then you're fair game. If you do likewise, you're mincemeat.

Meanwhile, what are the chances of these pressured friends being allowed to return to civilisation the day after Valentine's Day for a night out with their friends, once they've completed their duties with the ladies? My breath is not held.